“A Few Haiku & Senryu (57)”

On By Mike U.In Poetry

(c) 2023 by Michael L. Utley

(#337)

childhood’s end at seven
I’ve been nothing but a ghost
since then

…..

(#338)

hypervigilance
through dark watches of the night
a young boy’s burden

…..

(#339)

all these long years
the monster dead and gone
yet the fear remains

…..

(#340)

thunder and brimstone
the profane currency
of childhood

…..

(#341)

in the end
he felt no remorse at all
my father’s death

…..

(#342)

how to feel again
when all I’ve ever known is fear
how to live again

69 thoughts on ““A Few Haiku & Senryu (57)””

  1. So awful, Mike. I have a friend who suffered childhood abuse. It just breaks my heart that the perpetrators get off so lightly and yet they are dark shadows forever in the lives of the children they terrorise. I wonder how this despicable side of humanity can be dealt with. I don’t know if there is a road to prevention. Do you?

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    2. I don’t know. In my case, it was severe emotional abuse and bullying. It was my mom who received the physical abuse, and it was my duty beginning at an early age to be her “protector,” a role that stayed with me for years. Hypervigilance–forcing myself to remain awake and fully alert at night until my dad went to sleep–was the only way I could ensure my mom was safe. I developed major depression, PTSD and life-long severe chronic insomnia which I still experience to this day. Twelve years of counseling and counting… It has definite generational ties (my dad’s family was incredibly dysfunctional and dirt-poor and uneducated and he was in the middle of ten kids with a vicious, violent drunk for a father and a religious zealot for a mother). Sadly, if things aren’t handled with therapy, it just continues throughout the generations. I’m sitting here shaking my head because it’s such a helpless feeling. Nothing ever changes unless people admit they have a problem and seek help. I just felt like writing a bit about it tonight to get some thoughts down on the screen. Domestic violence is a terror that follows its victims all their lives.

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    1. Thanks, Filipa. I was thinking today about my penchant for writing depressing poetry and considered penning a brief essay on why I write what I do, but then decided to put a few thoughts into senryu form instead. Counseling helps. Writing helps (even if it means writing depressing poetry all the time). 🙂

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      1. Childhood is one of the most important periods of our lives. Whatever happens when we are young will definitely contribute (for better or for worse) to the adults we are. Counselling is important and writing can be an excellent therapy too. We are here Mike. 💝

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    1. Thanks so much. For a few months back in 2018, I was in PTSD therapy, focusing on EMDR treatment (the go-to treatment option for PTSD). I had a bad reaction and developed some weird physical symptoms during a couple of sessions and then the sessions ended with no resolution. I’m still dealing with some of those symptoms now (numbness in my lower legs and feet and fingers, dizziness, shakiness, and I haven’t been able to drive since then, and walking is difficult now). Our bodies have a way of holding onto trauma, but eventually it’s going to manifest itself, and it can be messy. I’d thought I’d been doing a decent job of dealing with stuff, but man, EMDR proved otherwise. Frustrating stuff. Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it so much. 🙂

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      1. Yes, our bodies know. I am sorry you did not have a good experience with EMDR. Perhaps another time, another therapist someday (?). Finding a good trauma-informed therapist can be a challenge, unfortunately. In the meantime, keep writing. Sometimes I think being heard is the best healer. Best wishes on your journey, Mike.

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    1. Thank you, Grace. I’d been feeling sort of self-conscious about my always depressing poetry and I suppose I wanted to explain in some small way why I write what I write. It certainly helps to get things out through writing. Hopefully there will come a time when happier themes emerge. Photography was my happy place, but I’m no longer able to do that, so things feel off-balance. I appreciate your kindness so much, my friend. I truly do. Thanks for always being here. 🙂

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      1. I completely understand. It is such a big burden to carry. Sorry that you felt self conscious about your writing . It has always been so beautiful and even if it is sad, you are being true to what you are feeling and that’s what matters. I am looking forward to reading both your happy and not so happy poems, my friend. Hugs.💕

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    1. Many thanks, Yvette, for your kindness and support. Perhaps someone else who has been a victim of any sort of domestic abuse will read these and understand they’re not alone. The thing with dysfunctional families is the members feel incredibly alone and believe on some level that no one else could ever understand what they go through. Thank you for the hugs (gladly accepted) and for your encouragement. Much appreciated. 🙂

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  9. Mike, I read the simple title “A few Haiku & Senryu” but then the page splits open with hurt and sadness! You must continue to search for the right counselling but also never give up writing! I know that many of us are probably far away from you but it is obvious from the above comments that we feel your pain and reach out to you over the airwaves with our thoughts and prayers. 🤗🙏

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    1. Kindest thanks, Ashley. I’m currently seeing a wonderful counselor and we’ll be starting on conversion disorder therapy soon to try to address the anomalous physical symptoms that occurred during EMDR. Hopefully some ground can be gained, some improvement made. I’m not against trying EMDR again in the future. I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciate the concern and kind wishes from everyone who’s commented here. I’m such a private person–highly introverted–and I loathe drawing attention to myself, so accepting support and encouragement is awkward for me even thought I cherish it. So, thanks to you and everyone else for being so supportive. I love this community. 🙂

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    1. Thanks so much, Lauren. I don’t know what I’d do without writing (and other creative outlets). I write so much melancholy poetry, I sort of thought maybe this would explain why (I don’t want to be known as The Depressing Poetry Dude). Thank you for the virtual hugs–gladly accepted! And thanks for your kindness, too. I appreciate it. 🙂

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  11. Thank you for sharing this, Mike. I’m glad you’ve chosen to do the painstaking work, to leave it behind in this generation and carry forward as little injury as possible. I’m sorry for your pain and continued distress. I hope our community brings you some comfort.

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    1. Thank you kindly, Sheri. It’s difficult to deal with this sort of thing, but I see counseling as a sort of badge of honor. I’m proud of myself for seeking help and sticking with it. It’s a marathon, and slow-going, but I’m still here and I’m still trying, so that’s something, I suppose. 🙂 I’m grateful for your encouraging words of support, and so thankful for the kindness this c9ommunity has shown me here. Much appreciated. 🙂

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  12. A haunting set of poems, Mike. The wounds of childhood are hard to let go. They weave through our bones and become the framework upon which we grow, the templates of our future. These make my heart ache, but I’m glad you’re sharing them. I hope each one excises a bit of the hurt and lets in a little light. ❤ ❤

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    1. Thanks so much, Diana. You’ve described it so eloquently and accurately. I seldom write about my dad, although I have a couple of poems and an essay on my blog that refer to him. It’s so uncomfortable for me to remember. Memories seem to have more lives than cats, so putting them to rest can be an arduous task that can take years, and some memories never fade. Writing helps as it allows me to put order to the chaos of those memories. Concrete words on a page or screen are much easier to deal with than slippery, amorphous thoughts. Thanks for your support and encouragement, my friend. There’s still plenty of work to be done, but I wouldn’t be here without those twelve years of counseling. Much appreciated. 🙂

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  14. Mike, my friend, I am so sorry. I applaud you for seeking counseling and for being courageous enough to share not only the past but the emotions that still linger. I pray that your writing and the obvious support of your readers is a balm of healing. ❤️

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    1. Many thanks, Peggy. I wasn’t sure how people would react to this particular post, but I was surprised by the outpouring of kindness. However, I shouldn’t have been surprised since all of you are wonderful people who have become friends over the past year and a half I’ve been blogging. This community is a safe place and ‘m grateful for everyone who’s left a comment. There’s still a long road ahead and it’s not an easy path, but I have to keep trying, otherwise all is lost. Thanks so much for your prayers of support, my friend. It truly means a lot to me. 🙂

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  16. An abused child is one of the worst victims of abuse. It’s terrible how a child’s vulnerability and innocence can be exploited like that. It simply takes away so much that often never returns. I’m so sorry that you were subjected to so much pain, Mike. So many questions come to mind but the hardest one is Why… I wish you well always. And may you give yourself the love that you deserve.

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    1. Thanks so much, Terveen. Your kindness is invaluable to me. There’s a part of me that always feels the need to explain myself (it’s a frustrating character flaw, indeed), and I guess I just wanted to explain in some way why I write so much melancholy poetry. I’m working through stuff and have been for a long time, and it paints my words a very blue hue. However, it helps to let it out, and I love creating, so poetry is ideal for my situation. I accept that I’m The Depressing Poetry Dude. Who knows what the future holds? Perhaps things will change and joy will begin to seep its way into my poetry at some point. Thanks again for your constant support, my friend. Much appreciated. 🙂

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  17. Wow Mike, thank you for sharing this part of your journey. Your vulnerability here is so powerful…well done you for letting it shine through your words. You’re a gift in this community, my friend. May your words continue to heal yourself and inspire us all (myself very much included 😊).

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  18. “Hyper-vigilance..” and all the rest. I still pick out escape routes in others’ rooms but suspect as always that I’ll fold (and die) if sh*t gets too real. However, my mom is safely in Heaven, now, and failing her protection was part of the burden. Praying for my father’s soul opened a door. I’m praying you’ll find any and every good door that frees you more and more. You’re very courageous.

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    1. Kindest thanks. I understand about escape routes. Shortly after my mom’s death, I was at the family farm. My dad had me trapped in the kitchen as he physically assaulted me. I was 51 years old. This stuff just never ends. I’m sorry to know you’re familiar with this sort of thing. No child (or adult) should ever have to experience this stuff. I’m also glad to know you found that open door that has allowed you to heal. I’m knocking on all the doors I can find in the hopes I can locate the one to freedom. I truly appreciate you and your support and prayers. Thanks so much. 🙂

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  20. Wow Mike, these are perfect for Gabriela’s book but I can’t find you in there? Geez I’m going to copy these and put them in as they are a perfect fit. Life can be chilling for sure. Your haiku’s were so descriptive and so well done, even though I know how painful it is. We are so blessed with our writing and you are gifted! 💞💗

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    1. Thanks, Cindy. Yeah, I’m not in Gabriela’s anthology. I didn’t have anything appropriate to submit, and the word limit was right in my poetic blind-spot–everything I write is way longer or way shorter than 180 words. I hope to find a place in one of Gabriela’s anthologies in the future. It’s definitely a goal of mine. Thanks for your kind words, my friend. 🙂

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      1. You’re so welcome Mike. Oh I know well the blind spot you talk about. I even had and invitation since I was a contributing author for her and I just couldn’t pull it out and had to really work on that word count.
        All in good time and look at you now publishing posts etc. You’re welcome.. I’m a fan of your work my friend! 💞

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    1. Thank you so much, my good friend. Yes, these are very sad senryu. Sometimes I must write about difficult things to help me deal with the memories. I’m doing my best to take care of myself. I have a good counselor and a supportive older sister and a caring email friend, and this WordPress community is wonderful and so encouraging. Thank you for reading these sorrowful poems, and I hope next time I shall be able to write some happier ones. Thanks for visiting, my friend! 🙂

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  22. Hi Mike, After visiting my website, for which I thank you, I also discovered yours. Poetry has never really been my thing, but photography is, and you have some very nice photos on your website.
    I’ll definitely be back to check them all out.
    Mike, take good care, and keep it up !

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    1. Hey, Marc. Thanks for the kind words and the visit. I really like your site–it’s like a candy store, and I’m a kid with a pocketful of coins! 🙂 I’ll be exploring it, for sure. I appreciate your visit–you’re always welcome here. 🙂

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  23. These are incredibly sad, but at the same time, radiate such power. I am so sorry, Mike, that you had to go through that. It is extremely unfair how so many good people have no choice but to live with awfully cruel people. The fact that you can talk about it so poignantly goes to show the strength of your character. More power to you! I can relate to the first one being the older sibling. I had to part ways with childhood a lot earlier.

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    1. Thanks so much, Aaysid. Growing up in such a dysfunctional family, children usually tend to think their abusive home life is normal, that all kids have a monster for a father or whatever. At a certain point, the lightbulb clicks on, and suddenly the goal is to keep it all a secret because we understand the abuse is NOT normal, and we feel shame. There’s so much chaos and confusion in a dysfunctional family system, and each member ends up with a role or two. Mine included Invisible Kid, Straight-A Student and Mom’s Bodyguard, and my dad hated me for the latter role. But it’s always a losing battle, no matter what role is played. Then, much later, the bill becomes due on our buried trauma, and all of our seemingly “normal” life is turned upside-down. I’m trying, and it’s slow-going, but the alternative is scary. My counselor is really good (she was instrumental in convincing me to begin this blog), so I have a little hope that maybe I can find a better place to be. (Sorry for all that rambling.) Thanks, my friend, for your kindness, as always. I’m so glad you’re here. 🙂

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      1. Thank you for sharing that with me. You are absolutely right! The trauma from growing up in a dysfunctional family never really leaves you, but we have to try to lessen it. I am glad that you are trying to find ways to help you be in a better place. You will get there, Mike. You deserve good things! 😊

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  24. So sorry. No one should have to go through all that. Writing is not only helpful to you but it could be helping someone else who has experienced a similar situation. Thanks for breaking the cycle and seeking therapy.

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    1. Thanks for your kindness, Pepper. I know I’m not the only one to have gone through a rough childhood So many more have had it so much worse. I hope if someone who comes from a dysfunctional home reads this, that person will know that someone understands. Thinking we’re all alone in this sort of thing is a terrible feeling. I appreciate your thoughtful comment. 🙂

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    1. Hi, Jeff. I’m sorry to learn this has some deeper significance for you. I hope I didn’t cause you any discomfort, my friend. Thank you for your kindness as always. I truly appreciate your presence here. 🙂

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