“Grandfather” (reprise)

On By Mike U.In Poetry

(originally posted 9/25/2021)

“Grandfather” (Part 1)
© 2012 by Michael L. Utley

The twitching thing that lay upon the bed
Was not my grandfather. It wore his face
And smelled of him, old coffee and a trace
Of cigarettes. Its eyes were rimmed with red
And rheumy and they twinkled in its head
Like distant dying stars. And in that place
Deep down inside where man and mind embrace
My grandfather had lost his mind and fled.

Where did he go, that man I once had known?
What horrors did he see, what eldritch lies
Ensnared him in the darkness and the din
Of lunacy? And was he all alone?
He was; I saw it in his weeping eyes
And in the tremble of his wretched grin.

…..

“Friction” (Part 2)
© 2012 by Michael L. Utley

The friction between
Two blades of grass
In a breeze
Is enough to
Shatter continents
The old man said
Look there—
And he blew his
Old man’s breath across the
Dead-yellow backyard lawn
Africa—gone!
Australia—kaput!
Antarctica—it were nice knowin ye!
And his bib-overalled belly
Shook with seismic tremors
Of raspy cigarette-scented
Laughter
And his age-dimmed eyes
Almost sparkled in their
Crevasse of wrinkles

And I grabbed his sandpaper hand
And choked back tears
The flavor of oceans
And I held my breath
Too afraid to breathe

…..

“Five Seconds” (Part 3)
© 2012 by Michael L. Utley

The old man speaks to me
Across the decades
Soundless words
Forever trapped in
Ninety frames of
Grainy Super-8

He walks away
Then turns at my
Teenaged beckoning
Hey, Grampa!
The shutter whirs
Like hummingbirds
Stealing a flower’s soul
Stealing my grandfather’s soul
The arcane machinations
Bending time and space
He is here in my machine
He is here

His Viking grin
His weathered overalls
His sweat-stained cap
His cologne of coffee and cigarettes
He stops
He speaks

I can’t hear his voice

Five seconds
He is alive
Rewind
Five seconds
He is alive
Rewind

I can’t hear his voice

He speaks to me across the decades
The silent film
Damning him
Damning me
I read his lips his eyes his smile
I will die soon
He seems to say
The strokes will be
Only the beginning
He seems to say
Everything will change
He seems to say
Everything but these
Five seconds I have with you
And you with me
And I am saying
Anything you wish
Anything you need me to say
Anytime you see me here

He turns
He smiles
He speaks
He walks away

Rewind

44 thoughts on ““Grandfather” (reprise)”

    1. Thank you so much. It’s been more than ten years since I penned these three poems and I still get a bit choked up when I read them. They were difficult to write–lots of stuff to sort through, you know? I appreciate your kind support. Thanks as always for stopping by. 🙂

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    1. Thanks so much, David. This means more to me than you can ever imagine. I was working through a lot of guilt when I wrote these three pieces, and it was incredibly painful, yet healing, to put these amorphous thoughts and feelings into something concrete. I have an upcoming essay about my grandfather which should be published at Gobblers & Masticadores in five or six weeks. It goes into more detail about what happened and how it affected me when I was younger. Poetry is miraculous, you know? I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t process my feelings through writing.

      Thanks again, my friend. I truly appreciate you and your support. 🙂

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    1. Many thanks, Darlene, for your kind support. Eleven years have passed since I wrote these three pieces, yet the emotions return whenever I read them. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment. I really appreciate it. 🙂

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  4. This is exquisitely penned, soul etching, and heart searching writing. Your style, your voice, the pace, the emotions.. just blended to perfection.
    It’s a wonderful tribute to your grandpappy. The poems; I held my breath a couple times, so intense was the emotional tug.
    Thank you for sharing something so personal with us, my friend. I appreciate it. 🙏💪💜

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    1. Thanks, Nigel. Some things are difficult to write, but necessary, you know? Fortunately, I do have a little more than just those five seconds of grainy Super-8 film to remind me of my grandpa–I also share his middle name (Logan), and I have memories of him (not nearly enough, though). Thanks for your constant support, amigo. Means the world to me. 🙂

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      1. I was reading and thinking of my old man. We had grown distant by the time he had died. Never made it home for the funeral. But I do have vibrant memories of him. With time he has faded into the catalogue of archived material. Your poems just reminded me of him. Thanks for sharing my bro. 💜🙏

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    1. Many thanks, Ashley. Yep, I was fortunate enough to have my grandpa (mom’s dad) for the first 21 years of my life (not nearly long enough). I lost my other grandpa when I was 14, but I never really knew him. There are things kids learn from grandparents that no one else can teach them. l only wish he’d been around longer as there was so much I never got to learn from him. Thanks for your kind words, my friend. 🙂

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      1. Well, it took one reading, a break, and a coming back for a re-reading for me to have unchoked words. (And I see from comments that it’s not just me!) This is wonderful. You are a fantastic composer of heart. And I exhaled when I *read* that he loved you in life. Separation devastates, but only bodies die — not love, not any more than yours has.🌷

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  6. Mike, each one of these moved me. ❤️
    This stanza moved me the most…

    “And I grabbed his sandpaper hand
    And choked back tears
    The flavor of oceans
    And I held my breath
    Too afraid to breathe”

    The flavor of oceans… brilliant!

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    1. Thanks a bunch, Michelle. It’s very kind of you. I liked the metaphor “tears the flavor of oceans” because it implies the sheer depth and volume of the emotions involved. My grandpa was the best guy ever and he always had a smile for everyone and a mischievous twinkle in his blue eyes. Thanks for your kindness as always, and for stopping by. Much appreciated. 🙂

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    1. Kindest thanks, Michele. Grandparents are special people, and we don’t get to have them around for very long, it seems. At least, not long enough. I have an essay about this grandpa which should be published sometime next month at Gobblers & Masticadores that goes into a bit more detail and explains how these three poems came to be. I really appreciate your kind support. It means a lot to me. Thanks so much for dropping by, my friend. 🙂

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      1. You are welcome, Mike. I look forward to reading your essay! Coincidentally, I will be posting about my grandpa tomorrow. Special people in our lives, even if briefly. Thank you for your gracious and generous spirit. 🙏🏻😊

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    1. Many thanks, dear friend. It’s an emotional set of poems, for sure. My grandfather was a wonderful man and I wish I’d had more time to spend with him. Grandparents are special people, you know? Thank you for your kind support as always, and it’s a pleasure to see you stop by. See you next time! 🙂

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    1. Thanks so much, Diana. When I posted this, I thought about how it might spark memories of lost loved ones in those who might read this, and I hope those memories are good ones. When I think of my grandpa right this moment, I see him with bib-overalls, a fishing pole and a big grin. That’s him. 🙂 Thanks for reading and for your kindness, my friend. 🙂

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      1. That’s a sweet memory, Mike. I didn’t appreciate my grandparents enough when I was a teen. Now I wish they were here so I could ask questions for which I’ll never have answers. Life is so poignant. Have a wonderful week, my friend.

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    1. Many thanks, Peggy. Sure, it may betray our age when we admit to having Super-8 memories, but there’s something magical about that old, grainy film, even the silent kind like I used. It speaks of a different time, a better time, when things were simpler and people seemed to care more for one another. I hope all the Super-8 film footage you have brings back good memories of those loved ones from the past. I’m grateful that you stopped by to read and comment, my friend. 🙂

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    1. Thanks a bunch, Lauren. It’s emotional stuff, for sure. I really appreciate your kind words. These three poems were hard to write, but I needed to write them. I wanted to let my grandpa know I loved him, you know? He’s been gone for 38 years. If this universe is just and kind, perhaps I’ll get to see him again and go fishing with him once more. He’d like that, and so would I. 🙂

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  13. A beautiful sequence of poems about your grandfather Mike, I especially love the flow and cadence of Part 1. It seems so fitting for this time of year when the thin veil between the world of our ancestors and our own allows us to re-connect with those who came before us and wish each other well 💫

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    1. Thanks, Xenia, for your kind and thoughtful words. These three poems were incredibly cathartic for me. There was a lot of guilt I’d carried around for years regarding my grandpa (I have an upcoming essay that details this), and these poems sort of forced their way out in response to that guilt. The first one is interesting in that I’d always been fascinated with the sonnet format but never thought I could write one. I ended up with a Miltonic sonnet format, and I was surprised how easily the words fit into this structure. I think it lends the poem a different, more classical feel than if I’d used any other format. At any rate, these three are immensely meaningful to me, and writing them helped me deal with some things I’d buried for too long.

      Thanks as always for your support, Xenia. It means the world to me. 🙂

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