“The Obligatory Deaf Dos and Don’ts Post” published at Gobblers & Masticadores

On By Mike U.In Essays

Hi, everyone. I’m delighted to let you know that a series of essays I’ve written about my experience as a deaf guy in a hearing world is being published at Gobblers & Masticadores, and the fourth installment is now live. Many thanks to Juan Re Crivello for this opportunity to share a little bit of my life with his readers. Today’s essay is “The Obligatory Deaf Dos and Don’ts Post” and you can read it by following this link:

“The Obligatory Deaf Dos and Don’ts Post” at Gobblers & Masticadores

It’s my hope that sharing my experiences as a deaf person will raise awareness of this “invisible disability” and the impact it has on those of us with hearing loss, and perhaps enlighten those with normal hearing in order to bridge the gap between us. I hope you enjoy it.

Once again, sincere thanks to Juan Re Crivello for his kindness and generosity. I truly appreciate this opportunity.

Don’t forget to follow and subscribe to Gobblers & Masticadores, where you’ll find some wonderful writing and plenty of food for thought.

27 thoughts on ““The Obligatory Deaf Dos and Don’ts Post” published at Gobblers & Masticadores”

    1. Thank you kindly, Friedrich. You’ve been so incredibly supportive of me and my writing, and I truly appreciate it, my friend. It means a lot to me. I’m so glad you’re part of this WordPress community. *tips cap* 🙂

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  4. I like your light-hearted tone in a post that likely corrects most people who read it. Like smiling at a performance review to let your employee know all is good. I wonder how much of the lip reading cues you’re conscious of in the moment. I had no idea how much I lip read until we all masked up. Also, people in sunglasses have seemed to anger me. Thank you for offering a reason why that might happen. And yes, never mind cuts like a knife.

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    1. Thanks, Jeff. I wasn’t sure how my weird sense of humor would go over in this one but I wanted a more light-hearted theme to put folks at ease and encourage them to think a bit when interacting with deaf people. Lip-reading has always been sort of a mystery to me. I’m not super-adept at it even after all these years, and I never had any formal training. It seemed to creep up on me slowly over the decades, and I never realized just how reliant upon I was until situations came up where I couldn’t rely on visual cues (people speaking with their backs turned to me, audiological tests such as word discrimination, masking-up as you said, etc.). Then it really hit me just how big a part of my interactions with folks comes down to lip-reading. For the past several years now, I’ve had to ask people to write down everything as my deafness continues to worsen and lip-reading can’t keep up anymore. I used to be able to sustain a lip-reading conversation for about five minutes until I became exhausted from concentrating so hard. After that, I was completely lost, and in my shame and embarrassment (after repeatedly asking for the person to repeat), I’d simply just nod and smile and mimic the person’s facial expressions to sort of pretend I could understand. The humiliation was just too much. This is a major reason I’m so reclusive nowadays. I have a fear of inconveniencing others by forcing them to write everything, and I feel awful when I end up nodding and smiling when in fact I have no idea what’s being sad–that’s unfair to the person talking to me.

      Anyway, I hope this essay sheds some light on the unique predicament deaf people face every time we interact with others. Most hearing folks are pretty decent when it comes to patience and understanding, but that only goes so far, and there are plenty who can’t be bothered to compromise. Thanks for reading and stopping by. I appreciate it. 🙂

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    1. Kindest thanks, Xenia. Yep, it’s a change of tone for me, a departure from my usual melancholy stuff. I struggle with my deafness so much that sometimes all I can do is joke about it to keep from being overwhelmed by it. I had fun writing this essay, for sure, and I hope my weird sense of humor wouldn’t fall on deaf ears (to make a pun). 😀 Thanks for the nice words and for stopping by. It’s always good to see you. 🙂

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  8. Well done, Mike. Congratulations. I read your words very keenly. My father in law is – was – is- deaf. Not sure how to describe it. He has a cochlear implant, but his hearing is not entirely saved. He functions very well by lip-reading and having others make his phonecalls for him. I have never thought to question him about the dos and don’ts of his life, and instinctively, i and the rest of his family talk to him face to face, using body language and with a slightly raised tone of voice. But I never heard him talk about his experience of struggling with hearing, lip reading difficulties or any other feelings on the matter, and I must say your post put things in a new and thoughtful light for me, so thank you. It was so very detailed, with a lovely sense of humour, but not enough to take the education aspect away! I am going to read your post to my husband I think he would find it of great interest because I don’t think even he has taken much of a vested interest in his father’s lived experience as a deaf person.

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    1. Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment. Although I tried to put a humorous spin on my essay (to put folks at ease), my experience with deafness over the past four decades has been riddled with guilt and shame, isolation, and some very dark thoughts. I can only speak for myself, of course, but deafness–my deafness–inconveniences normally hearing people, and that has always made me feel terrible. I joke about it to prevent myself from being overwhelmed by it. I’ve come to realize over the years that I don’t handle my deafness as gracefully as many other deaf people, and I’m still fighting it (why? I have no idea at this point because it’s a futile battle). I think many deaf people keep their true feelings hidden because we don’t want to be perceived as being burdens on those who aren’t deaf and who must make concessions in order to communicate with us. Our deafness ends up becoming someone else’s problem, you know? And that saddens and frustrates and shames me.

      Also, I understand that all people have problems unique to themselves, and as a deaf person, I don’t want to add my problem to their lives, but that’s exactly what occurs whenever I try to communicate with anyone. Hence, my reclusive lifestyle, and also my gentle attempt in this essay to educate hearing folks about what deafness is really like. I’m not sure if other deaf people feel the same shame and guilt I do, but the reason I began this blog was to share my own personal experiences with deafness so that other people–both hearing and deaf–might understand what it’s really like to deal with such a disability. I had hoped to make connections with other socially isolated deaf people like myself, make friends, share and learn together, but that hasn’t happened. I’ve come into contact with a handful of folks who suffer milder forms of hearing issues, but it makes me wonder if most deaf people would rather not share their experiences publicly, and that’s okay. Not everyone is as verbose as I am about my experiences. I do believe there are others like me out there, but for whatever reasons, they choose to remain silent and guarded, and I understand. It’s a difficult topic to explore for many of us.

      I’m very curious about your father-in-law’s experience with deafness. I myself am not a candidate for an implant (I was thoroughly tested in 2016), although I attended one meeting of a cochlear implant support group in a neighboring town and was fascinated by how these folks had adjusted to their implants even though many of them had problems with them. I wish your father-in-law well and I hope his implant makes his life better.

      I’m rambling here (sorry) so I’ll just say thank you once again for such a kind comment. It means the world to me to know someone read this essay and was moved in some way by my own experiences. You’re very kind, and I truly appreciate your thoughts and insights. Many thanks for stopping by. 🙂

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